Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Ryan Howard to Phillies' Brass: Shit… If It's Going To Be That Kind of Party, I'm Going to Stick My Dick in the Mashed Potatoes!!

Ryan Howard and Mashed Potatoes[ Apologies for the tardiness of this post — we experienced some technical difficulties last week. ]

When Ryan Howard asks for $10 Million, you offer him $12 million.

That's how you show your appreciation for the player that rescued your boring-ass, white-bread franchise from total fucking irrelevancy.

For fuck’s sake⎯ You were going to pay a geriatric Mike Lowell $12.5 million a year… and you’re telling us Ryan Howard is worth a measly seven mill?!?!

Fuck the standard “It’s-just-business” explanation.

This is a perfect example of why it's so incredibly, exhaustingly hard to be a dedicated and somewhat intelligent fan of any of Philadelphia’s sports teams… because the franchises are predominatly run by old, dumb, cheap, despotic fucks who really don’t care about winning at all.

These owners prey on the passions of this town’s fans, laughing all the way to the bank. They take advantage of fans’ undying passion for their teams and the amazing players that, in spite of the owners’ best efforts, play their hearts out trying to win this city a championship.

Theses owners don’t have any virtuous intrinsic tie to the city. Or an undying dedication to win.

They’re simply in it to make money. And to screw the proverbial shareholders (i.e. lifelong fans) along the way.

That means they’re more than content to run a franchise that wins between 85 and 89 games for seven straight years (OK, one year they only won 80) — the very definition of just doing enough to stay a little above mediocrity — while frustrating the living fuck out their fans with their seemingly impossible frugality. They simply refuse to go out and pay any significant amount of money for the type of talent that would make the team a perennial powerhouse.

And all the while, they’re pulling in mountains of cash from ticket, merchandise and broadcast rights sales.

Sure it was years ago but it’s still relevant today — Curt Schilling and Scott Rolen didn't demand to be traded because they hated their teammates… or because they hated Philly fans… or because they hated the City of Philadelphia. No. They both demanded to be traded because they could see that Phillies ownership was so tight, that if you stuck a lump of coal up their ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond. Everyone in the Phillies’ front office was and still is operating with a “just-spend-enough-so-as-to-not-be-terrible” mind frame.

This is still very much the case today. Where’s Mark Prior?? (He’s on San Diego with Jake Peavy, Chris Young and Greg Maddux — hmm, wonder if the Padres are going to be any good next/this year…) Where’s Dontrelle Willis?? Where’s Livan Herndanzez?

Ryan Howard is worth more than $10 Million a yearSo, RyHo, honestly — we’d like to apologize to you on behalf of the Phillies’ totally classless ownership. They are a bunch of toothless douchebags.

Good luck with the arbitration hearing, RyHo — you’re worth the $10 million and then some. We hope that not only do you win, but also that the arbiter rules that Bill Giles, John Middleton and David Montgomery have to personally wipe your ass for the next six months.

Related:
Phillies’ Brass Not Worried About Howard’s Contract [ Allentown Morning Call ]
Bill Conlin: It would be unwise for Phillies to take Howard to arbitration [ Philadelphia Daily News ]
Who is Right, the Phillies or Ryan Howard? More than 70% say Ryan Howard [ Philly.com ]

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